Juiced? Roger that

So. Did ya catch the Mitchell Report yesterday?

If you didn't or don't know what it is, perhaps it's time you crawl out from that rock you've been living under.

The Mitchell Report was the culmination of months of work by former U.S. Senator George Mitchell and his team of investigators into baseball's steroid culture over the past 20 years. It fingered 86 current and former players in the report, most prominently Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Andy Pettitte and Miguel Tejada. Oh yeah, and 20 current and former Yankees. (I told you it was the Evil Empire.) No mention of any current Twins though.

Personally, I'm shocked. Roger Clemens used steroids? I don't believe it! Bonds? That size 8 ½ melon's gotta be all natural.

I really doubt the report even uncovered the tip of the iceberg of how deeply-ingrained the steroid culture has been in the sport. Hopefully, this will spark positive change – rigorous testing program that will eliminate the cheaters from the sport and level the playing field for the honest.

Ethically, the whole mess stinks to high heaven. The dirty laundry has now been aired. Now it's time for change in a positive direction. And Roger, you can deny all you want. Frankly, I don't believe a word you say.

And I'm with Jose Canseco when I say: I can't believe A-Rod wasn't on the list.

Nisky’s new ride

I almost forgot. Happy birthday to Mountain Iron's own Matt Niskanen, who last week celebrated his 21^st birthday. He got quite the surprise when he got home from the Stars' recent six-game road trip. His teammates took his old Pontiac Sunfire, which he's been driving since he was a sophomore in high school, and tricked it out, slapping on some sweet rims, putting in a suede leather interior and giving it a sweet paint job – his nickname Nisky appears on the back of it and his No. 5 on both doors along with some other decals.

Check out this story and accompanying video on the Dallas Stars' web site. The video is an interview with Niskanen after the first period of Dallas' 5-4 win over Edmonton last night, a period in which Nisky scored his second goal of the season on a blistering slap shot from the blue line.

Keep making us proud, Nisky.

Bradyisms and other (half-)truths

"Well done is always better than well said."

And you wonder why I have a man-crush on Tom Brady. Not only is the man: on pace to break every conceivable season passing record under the sun at the helm of the best team I've ever seen, the undefeated New England Patriots; dating a supermodel; dating Randy Moss (OK, maybe not dating, just a very intimate relationship); now he's quoting Ben Franklin (see above quote). That quote came after young Pittsburgh safety Anthony Smith brashly guaranteed a Steelers' victory over the Patriots prior to their clash Sunday at Foxboro. Brady's line Sunday was such: 399 yards, four TDs, 0 INTs, three toastings of the aforementioned Smith in an easy 34-13 thrashing that improved New England's record to 13-0.

Brady is so good and making it look so easy that one writer on ESPN.com asked readers to come up with Bradyisms. (Example: Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.)

Here's my favorite reader submission:

• Superman wears Tom Brady pajamas.
  

Other good ones include:

• Tom Brady doesn't pursue perfection. Perfection pursues Tom Brady.
  
• Tom Brady beats paper, rock AND scissors.
  
• Tom Brady does not wait 20 minutes after eating to go swimming.
  
• Tom Brady counted to infinity. Twice.
  

Here are a few of my own:

• Chuck Norris fears no man. Except Tom Brady.
  
• Tom Brady blinks just to fit in.
  
• Tom Brady can win a game of Connect Four. In three moves.
  
• The Boogeyman checks his closet for Tom Brady before going to sleep at night.
  
• Tom Brady is so cool, ice checks in with him regularly for advice.
  

OK. Enough of that. Do you think anyone else this season will be stupid enough to guarantee a win against the Patriots. Hmmm. I wouldn't recommend it. Because Tom Brady doesn't breathe. He takes air hostage.

Better late than never

After the Vikings' 34-0 embarrassment at Lambeau Field a month ago, even I, the quintessential eternal optimist, wrote them off. (OK, OK. I had ulterior motives. I wanted them to finish horribly because I can't stand Brad Childress. I wanted him fired.)

It is as if someone is pulling off my fingernails one by one, but I'll very grudgingly acquiesce to Childress some credit. He believed in Tavaris Jackson, and T-Jack has looked like an extremely competent quarterback the past four weeks. (In fact, T-Jack is 7-2 as a starter this season. The Vikings are 0-4 when he does not start.) Now I believed T-Jack would be a solid NFL QB, too. Just not this soon. But four games does not a season make. It remains to be seen how Jackson will perform in the playoffs (either at Tampa or Seattle).

And yes, the Vikings will make the playoffs. If you would have told me a month ago that Adrian Peterson would rush for two yards on 14 carries against the 49ers, and the Vikings would still win by 20 points, I probably would have had you committed to the loony bin. But a new aggressive approach on defense, a solidified offensive line and the play of Jackson as the triggerman have turned the Vikings into a well-rounded team.

Even a scary team, if you will. AD gives them that dimension, that six-points-in-a-blink-of-an-eye capability. As, to a lesser extent, do Sidney Rice and Chester Taylor. And their remaining schedule appears pretty tame: hosting reeling Chicago and shorthanded Washington and traveling to play a likely out-of-the-playoff-picture Denver team in the season finale.

Sports Illustrated's Peter King is convinced that the Vikings pose a legitimate threat to even Dallas' and Green Bay's quest for the NFC crown and has the Vikings ranked No. 7 in his weekly power rankings.

Not to get too overboard, but the Vikings are well-suited for a playoff run. They have a two-headed, dominating running game that includes the most explosive back in the game, an overpowering offensive line, a confident young quarterback playing mistake-free football and an aggressive, run-stopping, ball-hawking defense.

Don't look now, but the Purple are coming.

Random thoughts

I already like new Twins' GM Bill Smith. He refused to cave in to pressure from Hank Steinbrenner and the New York Yankees to pull the trigger on the Johan Santana deal. He pulled off a great deal to get Delmon Young, a very young, potential MVP-caliber outfielder with some pop in his bat. And I have no doubt he will get maximum value for Santana when he finally makes a deal.

Perhaps Wild goaltender Niklas Backstrom is human after all. He and the Wild have struggled after that blistering start to the season.

Tubby Smith has the Gophers off to a great start. They're hustling for 40 minutes, playing great team basketball on both offense and defense and are as good off the bench as starting. Hustle. Defense. Team ball. Words you rarely if ever heard during the Dan Monson era. And Blake Hoffarber is my new favorite player in town. Remember this unbelievable, ESPY-winning shot he made in the Class 4A championship game two years ago?

The Timberwolves have a solid young nucleus of developing players. That the development might not make much of a difference in the win column for two-three more years is another story. Even Marko Jaric is having a renaissance. Then again, maybe that's just because he's dating supermodel Adriana Lima.

George Mitchell's steroid report is due out tomorrow afternoon. How many of your favorite players will turn up tainted?

Mike Vick got 23 months in prison for his role in that dogfighting ring. Word is, he could have gotten just 12-to-18 months if he had taken responsibility for his actions. I DON'T wanna be like Mike.

Memo: Kevin Garnett and the Celtics are good. REALLY good.

I've been trying to avoid this subject because it always makes me giggle incessantly for about 10 minutes and then people look at me as if I'm strange. (No comments from the peanut gallery!) Do you realize the Patriots…(guffaw)…traded a…(giggle)…fourth…(hehehe)…round…(hahahahaha)…pick…(gasp)…for…(hohohohoho)…Ran…(gasp)…dy…(hahahahahahahahahaha)…Moss?....(hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe…gasp…gasp…gasp.)

Whew. I was laughing so hard, I think I popped a screw in my hip loose. And my mascara is running. Waaait a minute. I don't wear mascara…

Until next time…